


Speak

by Star4545



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 13:02:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19377253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star4545/pseuds/Star4545
Summary: Simon Snow doesn't talk. Why? Baz is determined to find out





	Speak

**Baz**

He sits there like he always does; silent, resilient, alarmingly adorable, and with Penny by his side. Every so often I have the urge to drag him away from her and use a spell to make him talk. I want him to tell me where all his cuts and bruises come from, why he doesn’t talk, why doesn’t he talk to me even though I’ve been his roommate for six years. I’ve dealt with the silence and the enigma that is Simon Snow for so long. I just want answers. I never act on the urge, but it’s there, continuously burning.

Simon Snow came to Watford in first year with a black eye and dirt on his face. When he felt the pull of the crucible, he started crying. When he shook my hand, he held up a crumpled piece of paper that wrote in messy handwriting, “I’m Simon Snow.”

Most of the school became enraptured in the mystery of him. We had all heard the rumors that the Mage was his dad. We had heard rumors of his terrible past life, of an overflow of magic, of being the Mage’s weapon. But no one knew why he didn’t talk, why he still doesn’t talk. The school either become scared of him or scared for him. He casts spell in a quiet whisper and they always land. 

Penelope Bunce quickly took him under her wing. She took care of him in a way that I could never foster. While Penelope made him feel comfortable, I put him on edge. He learned to trust her meaning he would talk to her. To everyone else, he used paper to communicate or simply just ignored them,

Six years after the day I met him and he still doesn’t talk to me, the school doesn’t know any more about him than we did, and he still shows up with fresh cuts and bruises on his face. I’ve gotten more aggressive towards him; I find myself snapping at him about little things and bully him. I don’t want to, but I don’t know how to deal with a person that I want to care for.

Penelope and Snow are doing homework in our dorm. Every year I make the empty threat to Penelope that I’ll get a faculty member to kick her out, but I don’t think I could do that to Snow. They are sitting on the floor, papers and books spread all around them. I hate to be in the room over exams, it’s a train wreck. It doesn’t look like much work is being done as Penelope’s head is on Snow’s shoulder and they are both laughing about something. Jealously seers through me, but then I remember the startling sounds of thrashing sheets and sobs that I encounter almost every night from Snow’s side of the room, and I think about how it’s nice that he is laughing. I’ve never heard his voice, but he has a nice laugh.

I walk over to my desk, not bothering with a hello, and light the candle on my desk with my hand. Being a vampire in the soon-to-be winter weather has no perks. I let the smell of vanilla fill the room.

“You aren’t supposed to have candles in your room.” Penelope says like the annoying ass she is.

“Fuck off.”

“It’s a fire hazard.”

“Your mum’s a fire hazard.”

“Nice one, Tyrannus, real creative.”

“It’s not like I’m committing arson, it’s a candle. Snow, do you like the candle?” Before he can answer by nodding or shaking his head. “See, he doesn’t mind.”

“You are such a wanker.”

“Thanks.”

“I hate you.”

“Love you too, Pen-Pen.” I turn around to face them and see Penelope look like she wants to kill me. Well, too bad, I’m already dead.

“I’m leaving. See you tomorrow, Si.” Penelope gathers her things and exits the room. Snow gives me a death glare. I turn back around, picking up a textbook and getting to my work.

Snow always goes to bed before I do. I often stay up reading or doing work. By the time I go to bed, Simon is dead asleep. Often, he will have nightmares. I don’t know what they are about or the origins. They never wake me up, but I know they happen as they are sometimes in motion when I’m getting to sleep. He’ll cry and toss the sheets around, but he is always silent.

I’m going to bed much later than him tonight. The school year is finally kicking up and this being the second to last year at Watford, the work is really stacking up. I’m finally asleep when I’m awoken by screaming. I become alert very quickly and look over to Snow’s bed. He is thrashing and crying, the usual signs of a nightmare, but the loud screaming is new. I don’t know whether to wake him. I get out of bed and walk to his bed, grabbing his hands to stop his thrashing.

His eyes shoot open, fear is clouding his blue eyes. I squeeze his hands because it feels like all I can do. He stares at me, tears still running down his face. I can’t imagine how fast his heart is beating. I’m silent, I can’t find any words to try and make him stop crying. He lets go of my hands to wipe the tears. I want to tell him that it’s okay to cry, but I don’t. I place a hand to his chest, and he doesn’t stop me, his heart is beating fast. I sit on the edge of his bed, lighting a fire in my palm to make the dark of the night less scary. He takes my free hand away from his chest as he sits up, then grabs my hand again.

There is a plethora of questions crowding my mind as well as my hormone ridden mind thinking about how Snow is holding my hand, but I banish those thoughts and squeeze his hand again. He looks at me, tears still coming down. There is a thin layer of sweat on his forehead. I remember when I was a child after my mother died and I was turned how many nightmares I had. They would always go like Snow’s would and I would always wake up alone in my haunted room in Pitch Manor where not even the ghosts and demons or my own father helped me.

I’m half expecting this post-nightmare state would be the first time I would hear my roommate talk. It isn’t. He lets go of my hand to wipe his tears and take off his shirt, something I would love to see any time but now. I let the fire in my hand out and get off his bed. I ruffle his hair, just to keep up the façade of the annoying roommate, and I go to my own bed with selfish hopes he’ll want me to cuddle him. I don’t know if he goes back to sleep.

When I wake up, he is gone. Snow goes running in the mornings after he’s had nightmares. I think it gives him some time to think. Sometimes his running gets intercepted by the Mage and he is whisked away on an adventure. I get dressed, grab my bag and some books that won’t fit, and go to breakfast. What’s odd about this morning is when I arrive, Snow isn’t there. He is always there before me, in the middle of tucking into an abominable amount of food, but he isn’t. Penny is sitting at their normal table, waiting for Snow before she eats. I dump my stuff at a table before going to get food. That urge to ask questions comes back, maybe Penelope knows about the nightmares, about his past. I grab a plate of food and go to her table.

“Get away.”

“What do you know about Snow?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he had a really bad nightmare last night and I know absolutely nothing about him.”

“Not my fault you haven’t made friends with your roommate of seven years.”

“I need to know things about him.”

“Maybe try being nicer to him and he would tell you.”

“Why can’t you tell me?”

“It isn’t my story to tell.”

“Why not?”

“How would you feel if I told everyone about your dead mum? I’m not spreading information about Simon’s past. You pushed him down the stairs, released a chimera on him, and tried to take away his voice in an attempt to get him to talk. I think he has a reason to not tell you anything.” I growl in annoyance and go to sit at my table. I start to tuck in when Dev and Niall come in.

I try to ignore their budding romantic relationship which they deny, but I know enough about pinning to see the signs written all over Niall. I wonder how long it will take them to get together. Agatha comes in almost too late to eat breakfast and get to class on time. She looks at Penny’s table before I call her over to our table. The thing about Agatha is that she is better friends with Penny and Simon, but she is in love with me, and we need a girl to balance out our group. She smiles at me and puts her stuff on the seat next to me before going to get food. That’s when Simon stumbles in. His hair is a wet mop onto of his head from his post-run shower. His eyes meet mine for a few sweet moments as if he is acknowledging whatever happened last night. Our eye contact breaks as he goes over to his table, dumping his pile at his table and runs to the food.

Simon isn’t in any classes today. He must’ve been whisked away by the Mage. He doesn’t come back to the room at night either. I start to worry, but this is normal. Simon goes missing for a couple days, but he’ll come back. He always does.

It’s been more than a couple days.

**Simon**

“Stop fucking crying.” He screams at me as his boot digs more into my side. I hate those boots. “Can’t talk, can’t do magic! What kind of chosen one are you?” He takes the boot away only to kick me. “A disappointing one, you are.” I cry out again. “You know how to make it stop.” I do, but I won’t give him the satisfaction.

He kicks me again, harder this time. He leans down and spits in my face. He steps away from me, hoping I retaliate, but I don’t. I just lie there and think how much easier it was to fight a dragon than it is to fight him. He is supposed to be the diplomatic leader of Magicians, but he is evil, cruel, and an awful father.

“C’mon Simon.” He’s egging me on, but I won’t stand for it. Between having Baz for a roommate and dealing with my father, I know how to control my anger. I lie there dormant, waiting to feel another kick at my side. “Speak!” He screams like I’m a dog. When I don’t, he starts to punch me. “You are the worst Magician in the world. No one will ever love you.” I know that isn’t true. Penny loves me and although Baz acts like he hates me, I know he likes me. If he really hated me, he wouldn’t have helped me a week ago. He wouldn’t have grabbed my hands, his hands were so soft, and ruffle my hair.

I take the beating. I hope he runs out of energy soon because I’m starting to really break. My eyes are starting to become dry. I’m scared he’ll knock me unconscious, drop me back in my dorm for Baz to find me. I would hate for him to see me like this.

“I’m giving you one last chance.” He says. I open my eyes. His fist in the air, ready to come barreling down at me. “You can make it stop.” I don’t say anything and go through the last beatings. I would never fight back. He might be trying to make me a soldier, but I’m a pacifist. I might have more magic than a normal Mage, but I won’t use it for evil. “You really tire me out. Get back to your dorm now. We’ll pick up next week.”

I sigh, standing up even though my whole-body protests. I don’t to go back to my dorm, I don’t want Baz to see me like this, I don’t want him to make fun of me. I don’t want him to smell the blood and turn into a blood thirsty vampire.

I lock eyes with the man who is supposed to be my dad. How can any parent have the capacity to hurt their child? I want my mum, but he says she’s gone because she didn’t want me. I wonder if she’ll ever come back.

I break eye contact, grab my books and bag, and leave. I feel like my legs might give out at any minute. I know I get outside because I feel the cold air hit my broken skin, but I don’t remember what happens then.

I wake up in an unfamiliar place. It isn’t my room nor Penny’s. I open my eyes which is quite hard because they are swollen up. Someone is holding my hands, but I can’t make them out. Someone is crying.

“Oh, you’re awake, hello.” I try to find the source of voice. It isn’t the person holding my hands. “Don’t move too much, it’ll hurt your head.” The person holding my hands squeezes them. “You are Simon Snow, the Mage’s son?” I nod. “I’m Ebb, the goatherd. I saw you walking, and I just know you wouldn’t make it to Mummer’s. I brought you back to my house. I did call your roommate though.” Another squeeze… Baz. I focus on the feeling of my hands in his. Those soft hands.

“He doesn’t talk.”

“I’ve heard.” I groan. I hate when people talk about me like I’m not in the room. “Simon, hunny, would you like some tea and biscuits?” I nod.

“Who did this to you?” Baz asks me with a tone of concern I’ve never heard from him. I shrug. “You must know.” I shrug again. I won’t tell anyone. It will only cause mayhem. I try to see Baz. His hair is pulled up in a cute bun… or I think it’s a bun.

It only occurs to me then how much pain I am. I can’t help when a quiet “Fuck” comes out of my mouth and then a “shit” and then a “ow.”

“Ebb, I think Simon needs some pain medication.” Baz says, thankfully not making a big deal of the words I just uttered under my breath. I close my eyes again, hoping to slip into an oblivion where the pain will wash away.

I wake up and everything hurts less. I’m able to open my eyes which is a positive. The house is silent. Baz is asleep, curled onto himself on a chair. I look around the dark room to the best of my abilities. There is a small sliver of light coming in through a window. There is a cold cup of tea in a goat shaped mug and a plate of biscuits on a coffee table which vaguely reminds me of Santa Claus. I want to go back to sleep but I am much too awake now. I pick up a biscuit and start going to town. I have no idea what day it is or the last time I ate. It’s a stale biscuit, but right now it tastes like the world’s most amazing biscuit. Maybe my expectations are just low.

A part of me wants to wake Baz up. I want him to be sleeping on the couch, not in the small chair. I shouldn’t think of things like these after all the pain he has caused me, but he’s too cute to not forgive.

Within a few minutes, there are footsteps. “Good morning, Simon.” Ebb says. She is already dressed in a pair of dungarees with a long sleeve shirt underneath. “Help me feed the goats, yeah?” I nod, getting up. I walk outside into the brisk winter-autumn morning.

As we feed the goats, an activity I wouldn’t have thought I would like until I did it, Ebb doesn’t pry about the incident that brought me to her. Instead, she asks me about my studies, about my friends, about Baz. I answer most of the questions in nods, shakes, and shrugs, but sometimes I use my wand to write words. I decided I love Ebb. She has this caring nature that is so comforting. Like Penny, I feel so utterly relaxed with her that I would have no trouble talking to her. She would be a great mother to humans, but I guess she likes goats better.

When our time feeding goats is done, Ebb offers to clean my cuts and check on my bruises. She leads me to a small bathroom, and I take off my shirt. She starts to clean me up and puts goat themed plasters on the cuts. I wonder where she gets all this goat stuff.

I have to convince Ebb that I’m fine about a hundred times before she lets Baz and I leave. Our stomachs are full of breakfast and I honestly can’t wait to change into a clean uniform. That’s when it occurs to me that Penny must be worried. She must be so worried.

**Baz**

Snow is basically running back to our dorm. He probably doesn’t want to spend time with me alone which makes me sad. By the time I catch up to him, he is heading straight for our bathroom. I sit on my bed, trying not to think about the images of him barely able to open his eyes. I can’t imagine how bad off he would be if Ebb didn’t find him.

Snow comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His chest has goat plasters in various places. He quickly finds a clean uniform and starts to put it on. “It’s Saturday.”

“Hm?”

“It’s Saturday. No uniform.” I say. “Dumbass.” Just to add to the act that I hate him.

Snow stands there in exasperation for a few seconds before undressing, giving me a wonderful view of him just in his pants. There is little to leave to the imagination. I think of a world where I could let my vulnerabilities show and take care of him. We would lie down in bed so he can rest, and we would kiss while watching Netflix. We would cuddle and never leave this room. Simon would never get hurt again. I would protect him from all harm. I would call him Simon out loud and not just in my head. I can’t believe I have Snow in his pants right in front of me and I think of the softest dream in existence. I have to tear away my eyes when Snow makes a coughing sound. My eyes meet his. He is laughing, his mouth turned in this wonderful smile. His cheeks are a little red from blushing. I fall a little more in love with him.

“Can’t believe you didn’t know it was Saturday.” I scoff, ignoring that he just caught me for staring at him. Snow’s dressed now in a baggy Watford jumper and joggers. “Are you going out?” He nods, grabbing his wand and his bag. He leaves the room.

I worry all afternoon until he comes back into the room in the late evening. I’m scared he would be whisked away again and come back more hurt than he is now. But he comes back. He drops his bag down and flops onto his bed. I look up from my book to look at him.

“You alright?” Snow makes what looks like a nod. “Are you in pain?” He shrugs. “Do you need pain medication? I have some.” He shakes his head. The trifecta of Snow responses.

I have to remind myself that I’m his bully. I have to hate him, but I can’t think of anything rude to say because my overwhelming urge to make sure he is okay is winning out. I stand up from my bed and walk over to him. I’m about to touch him, but he flinches away.

“It’ll hurt more if you lay like that.” Simon begrudgingly turns over. We are staring at each other again and I have the overwhelming urge to kiss him. “I’ll get you that pain medication.” I say, as I go to the bathroom to retrieve him some.

“Why do you care?” He says. I’m taken aback and stop in my tracks. “You hate me.” I continue the mission of getting him pain meds and then I walk back to his bed.

“Do you really think that?” Simon shakes his head. I open my palm and he take the two tablets, swallowing them dry. I sit on the edge of his bed. “I don’t think I could really hate anyone… except maybe the Mage.” Simon sits up. “Oh c’mon, it’s so obvious that he was the one to hurt you. How long has he been hurting you?” Simon shakes his head. I realize that it might be hard to talk about. My life is full of so many traumatic events that I can understand where he is coming from. “I shouldn’t have asked.” Simon shrugs.

“Why are you talking to me?” Simon shrugs.

“You’re being nice. I trust you more now.” He trusts me.

“I won’t hurt you anymore.”

“Thanks.”

“I will hurt the Mage on your behalf.”

“It’s not worth it.”

“It is if he keeps hurting you.” I feel the pain of holding back tears. The memory I’m trying to repress of how Simon looked yesterday is coming back into my vision. It only reminds me of the bloodshed of my mother’s death and the gruesome nightmares I used to have. Everything that I’ve tried to hide, all the repressed anger toward the Mage is riling up inside me and all the guilt for how I treated Simon. I want to cry. I want to have magic tears and heal Simon of all the pain he must be feeling right now and any pain he’s felt before. I look up at him with tears welling in my eyes.

“He’s hurt me too. You know he was the one who set those vampires on my mother.” I hate thinking about it. It’s a memory that is so clear in my mind that I don’t think time could ever erase it. It haunts me.

“He was the one to turn you into a vampire?” I look at him. “Oh c’mon, it’s so obvious.” His voice is sweet. “And I used to follow you in fifth year, but whatever.”

“I knew it!” I say. “Do you want to see something I’ve never shown anyone?” I ask him. He shrugs. I lift my hair and show him the back of my neck where the vampire bite is. “You’ve been so vulnerable that I figured I should be vulnerable in return.” I can feel his eyes on me. “You can touch it if you want.” He comes closer to me to look at it. His fingers trace the back of my neck making me shiver. There are still some tears that need to be shed, but I’m holding them in. Our eyes lock again, and I lean in to kiss him.

“Don’t hurt me!” He says. I immediately move back, letting my hair fall back down. I’m shocked what has happened today, he thinks that I would hurt him.

“I was going to kiss you.” Simon’s eyes widen.

“Oh.”

“I just thought that where the moment- “

“I’m not into guys.” I try and pretend that my heart isn’t breaking into a million little pieces.

“Oh.”

“And even if I was, this relationship wouldn’t work out. I’ve seen _Twilight_ , vampires live forever.” I start to laugh.

“You believe that?” I’m laughing hard now as Simon nods.

“Is that not true?” I shake my head and Simon starts to chuckle. “I’m so dumb.”

“Haven’t you paid attention in any creature classes?” I say a little too harshly. Simon looks a little taken back. “I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.”

“Old habits die hard.” I feel like I’ve lost his trust. I definitely have because he is scooting away.

“So… are you and Bunce a thing?” Now he’s laughing.

“Me and Pen?” I nod. “She has a boyfriend and she’s like a sister to me.”

I feel the tears wanting to come out. I was always taught to not let anyone see my feelings, but in this moment, I need to cry. It comes out of me like a waterfall. I don’t remember the last time I really cried like this.

**Simon**

Baz is crying, full on. Because I grew up not being taught how to deal with these situations, I sit there awkwardly. I have no idea how to comfort someone, especially Baz who is such an enigma. I’m still trying to process him trying to kiss me. Soft hands Baz tried to kiss me.

“Baz, are you okay?” He isn’t, I don’t know why I asked that. I grab his hands and squeeze them, hoping it will calm him. He looks at me. I hate seeing him cry. “Why are you crying?”

“I want to fucking kill him. I hate how he’s hurt you.” He says, protectively.

“Don’t kill him. We’ll be out of Watford in two years.”

“Two years too many. I can’t stand to see you hurt like this again.”

“You never cared before.”

“It wasn’t this bad before.” On the contrary, there is so much Baz doesn’t know.

“You’re wrong.” I hate myself for what I’m about to reveal. “It has been this bad before. Worse even.” I don’t know if Baz can take it. He looks horrified.

“You don’t have to tell me.”

“It’s time.” I really wish I would shut up now, but I’ve already opened my mouth. “Penny doesn’t even know about this… fuck… Uh… He’s been hurting me ever since my mother left. As soon as I was left alone with him. He sent me to some foster homes at first, but then took me back when he deemed, I was worthy. I never liked talking as a kid, still don’t. He would get mad when I didn’t want to speak spells. I was enraptured in the idea of magic, but not his idea. He wanted to use me as a weapon, a magical soldier, of course I didn’t agree.”

“He would send me on life-threatening missions, thankfully I know how to cast a good spell, or he would physically hurt me; punch me, kick me, sexually abuse me, anything really. Just to show that he was the boss and if I didn’t follow his instructions this is how I would end up. Normally he wouldn’t let me back on campus till I was somewhat healed, or he would hurt me in places that couldn’t be seen in the naked eye except for this time.” Baz is still crying. I’ve somehow kept myself together.

“Don’t you have the Sword of Mages? Why not just- “

“I don’t hurt people Baz.”

“You should if they hurt you.”

“That’s what he wants me to do.”

“Crowley, Snow. Fuck. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done to you.”

“It’s okay, Baz.”

“It isn’t. He’s hurt you. That’s not what family does. Trust me, my family is fucked up, but my dad would never physically abuse me. He might shun me because I’m gay, but he would never hurt me. And I’ve hurt you too.”

“You think I don’t know that, but I can’t hate him. He’s my dad.”

“That isn’t right.”

“No, it isn’t. It’s fucked, but it’s what I have. I have no idea where my mum is. All I have is him and Penny.”  

“You have me too.” I nod. “And Ebb.”

“I barely know her.”

“She knows you.”

“Wait… you’re gay?”

“Don’t try and change the subject.”

“But you are,”

“Yeah, why else would I try and kiss you… and stare at you while you were just in your pants?”

“You like me?” He shrugs.

“Sadly so.” He looks at me again. His gray eyes are clouded with tears. “Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.” This is the most I’ve ever heard Baz say that he’s sorry.

Maybe it’s because I’m emotional distraught and so is he or maybe it’s because of the vulnerability of this evening, but I kiss him. There are still tears falling down his face and I taste them every so often. He cautiously brings me closer to him. He takes his lips on mine and puts his head on my shoulder and tries to come down. I put a hand on his back and use the other to cradle his head. I start to cry too.

We cry and hold each other. Baz calms down before me and he lets me cry in his shoulder. He holds me tight and tells me that he won’t let the Mage hurt me anymore. Even though it might become an empty promise, it is the best thing I’ve heard in a while. It gives me hope. Baz gives me hope.


End file.
